Managing Your Tone with Personal Pronouns

Personal pronouns affect the strength of the connection between two people in an exchange. Consider the difference between these statements:

EXAMPLE: We appreciate the work you all do.

EXAMPLE: Appreciate it.

EXAMPLE: I appreciate the work you do.

In this example, the first statement is from a collective (We) and is addressed to a collective (you all). If this were sent from an individual to another individual then it would feel impersonal. The second statement contains no personal pronouns, which could come off as insincere or could downplay the important work the recipient does and your sense of gratitude. The final statement, by using the personal pronouns “I” and “you,” fosters a sense of connection with the intended audience.

There are times when it might be strategic to diffuse the sense of personal connection and responsibility. Consider the difference between the following statements:

EXAMPLE: You didn’t write this well enough for me to publish it on the company website.

EXAMPLE: This document doesn’t meet the company criteria for publication. Let’s change the citation formatting, clarify the verb choices, and revise the conclusion strategy.

In this example, the use of personal pronouns in the first statement places direct blame in a way that might make the recipient resentful and less likely to put forth their best effort in the future. Instead of the recipient understanding the need to improve the quality of the work, the recipient might become defensive. By dropping personal pronouns, the second statement avoids directly placing blame and makes the company criteria the initial focus rather than the individual’s poor writing. Also, by targeting the areas that need improvement, the recipient can learn what to correct.

Employing the “we” personal pronoun can also diffuse personal connection in any situation when you deliver bad news. Consider the following example:

EXAMPLE: We regret to inform you that you were not selected for the scholarship this semester, but we were impressed by your application and heartily encourage you to apply again next semester.

Adopting the “we” personal pronoun not only makes the recipient of the news feel less personally targeted, it also creates a slight shield for you because it doesn’t identify you as the sole person responsible for the news.

No discussion of tone and pronouns would be complete without discussing addressing others by the correct title and pronouns. When addressing a direct message, make sure you use the recipient’s pronouns, which may be listed in an email signature or professional bio. Until pronouns are identified, use full names, titles if applicable (such as “Dr.” or “Professor”), or genderless pronouns (such as “you”). Using correct pronouns demonstrates courtesy, care, and regard for the person with whom you are communicating, all of which shape the tone of your exchange. For more information, read our article on inclusive communication.